Celebrate Small Wins

"I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth." -Ps 34:1

Photo Credit: Joshua/Natalie Unger

High-Level Process Update

Second labs and infusion Mon 12/27, pump stays on 2 days and gets removed Wed 12/29. It turns out red and white blood cell counts are lowest between days 9 and 14, so maybe that explains why I've been mostly confined to bed with body aches since Tue night... My dad says it could be the bones attempting to produce more white blood cells. This is plausible because I was told to expect this after the white blood cell booster shot I received last week, although I didn't feel a thing then. Or maybe I'm just sick.

Celebrate small wins, even if you still have a big problem

I'll get to the small win shortly (which I actually consider a relatively big win), but first an explanation. Of every psalm presentation I've done in church over the years, I think the lesson of this one has been repeated back to me more times than any other. The faces I think I remember include Tammy G, but most often my own wife.

Psalm 34 contains many standalone verses considered favorites by many. Phrases like, "O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together," "This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles," "the angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them," and "O taste and see that the LORD is good."

But to me the most striking lesson of the psalm is not the words David wrote, but the circumstance in which he wrote them. According to the superscript: "A psalm of David, which he changed his behavior before Abimelech; and he drove him away, and he departed."

Recall the story: David was in Gath in 1 Sam 21 because he was running for his life from King Saul. He got detained and pulled into court of King Abimelech (also called Achish). The servants instantly knew who he was and alert the king:

    "And the servants of Achish said unto him, Is not this David the king of the land? did they not sing one to another of him in dances, saying, Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands? And David laid up these words in his heart, and was sore afraid of Achish the king of Gath." -1 Sam 21:11-12

Then came another one of David's many "pray and act" situations. The strategy he employed at this time was to pretend insanity: scrabbling on the wall and letting his saliva run down his beard. Surprisingly, his plan worked and Achish drove him away... and they let him go afterwards - no insane asylum!

I wonder why weird, improbable strategies seemed to work for David so many times? Ahab couldn't survive a battle where he was disguised as a common soldier, with full armor, in the very back of everyone... More on this later.

After the above event, David wrote Psalm 34. But the significant point is that David's troubles were far from over - he knew they would last several more years while he continued to run from Saul.

The lesson: Don't hesitate to praise God for small deliverances even in the midst of an ongoing unsolved trial! David gave thanks for his temporary deliverance so deeply and gratefully that it sounded like he had been delivered from every single problem. Read the psalm with this in mind.

The Win

If you remember from the Dec 10 post entitled "Protect Your Spirit", I made the somewhat-risky decision to forego the operation of getting a colostomy before starting chemo, though recommended by a very competent surgeon.

I will spare you as many gory details as possible while still making sure you realize that the Lord has blessed that decision to this point. Over last weekend, my bowel habits changed from the 6-10 times a day (including overnight) diarrhea I had experienced for many months, to a much more normal-looking output about once per day. I will spare you further details suggesting that my colon is clear from the backup observed in my CT scans.

My interpretation of this: The first chemo round was enough to shrink the mass in my colon (apparently in the lower sigmoid/upper rectum region) such that now there is space to form normal-looking stool, and also to save up until "convenient regular times," if you will.

Dr. Yang and company concur with this interpretation, and if you remember, this is what they expected based on typical / anecdotal evidence. Just maybe not quite this soon! Also, in response, they loosed my diet restrictions to include more solid foods, which is a HUGE plus. I now realize I am SUCH a picky eater... Sorry Mom, and Christina.

I praise and thank God! I know this doesn't change my outlook all that much by itself. But it is a HUGE blessing to have the risk of impending colon obstruction reduced in such an obvious way.

Another reason this matters is that it can buy us time. Cancer kills for basically two reasons that I understand at this point, maybe inaccurately: 1) The calorie consumption to grow cancer takes away too much from body systems necessary for survival, or 2) cancer interferes with the function of a vital organ.

Reason #2 is now apparently delayed until we have issues with the liver (which seems to be functioning fine right now). We will have to think about this - as Dr. Yang put it, I can live without a colon but not without a liver. That's why it's called a LIVEr (I thought it was funny when I finally got it, but he acted very serious). My strategy of high calorie consumption and body mass gain is to counteract Reason #1.

Thinking about contributors to my life up until now

While on my bed of languishing for the past couple of days, I began to think through my life up to this point, and the people and experiences I am grateful for. Not starting with the heaviest contributors right now, but I am thankful for every single elementary, middle and high school teacher I ever had at Mitchell Road Christian Academy and Southside Christian. They all made a tremendous difference.

For example, I was thinking about wrestling in my senior year of high school. Our coach Rob (can't remember his last name, because we always just called him "coach") started the team in my senior year, so none of us had any experience or natural talent. That is, except Daniel White, who I had gone to elementary school with at Mitchell Road, then he wrestled at Eastside for a couple of years, then transferred to Southside. He won State Champion in the 162 weight class at least one year, I think.

I was a bad fit for wrestling in every way. Too tall, skinny, not strong, not smart with real-time decision-making, etc. The latter fault is also why I suffered at basketball despite physical advantages, never making the same team two years in a row, either in middle or high school (thank you Matt Hinchman and Bryan Bullock, for the first year in each case!). My justification is that I have to think before making decisions rather than using instinct most of the time. This frustrates others who don't use any reasoning process, especially if I eventually reach the same conclusion they do. I say even a broken clock is right twice a day (thank you Dave McKibben from Michelin). But no matter.

So in that case, why was I chosen to help Daniel White prepare for State, out of many boys weighing 160-170 lb? Coach Rob said he noticed one thing: I would never quit. Even though he could pin me within 30-60 seconds, I would keep coming back for more.

I thank God for that one small memory to draw from, because if there is any of that "never-quit" trait in me, I need it now.

Thank you Coach Rob and Daniel White, wherever you are. Disclaimer: My value could be overstated here - Daniel did not win State that year.

How do you defeat an opponent stronger than you?

Speaking of wrestling, there are weight classes for a reason: It would not be a notable accomplishment for someone in the 145 lb weight class defeat a lightweight (<95 lb). I hope all of my daughters are paying attention, especially one who was summoned to my bed of languishing this morning.

It would be notable, however, if a lightweight defeated someone in the 145 lb weight class, or larger. This doesn't happen very often, hence the weight classes... but there are no weight classes in real life, and sooner or later you will encounter an enemy bigger and stronger than you are. How will you survive when that happens? You have to have somebody even bigger on your side, and how will you get that?

I will bypass the obvious story of David and Goliath because the lessons are actually obscure in that account, compared to other passages written by David about defeating enemies.

One is right here in Ps 34, verses 11-22. These explanations are given as to why David's life was extended, i.e. that his unusual strategy of feigning madness worked, stated in a general form applicable to all:

-Don't speak evil.

-Depart from evil.

-Do good.

-Be a peacemaker.

Promises extended to the righteous by the above definition:

-Many good days.

-The eyes of the Lord are upon them and His ears are open to their cry.

Other stated blessings for the righteous:

-The Lord is near those with broken and contrite hearts.

-The Lord delivers the righteous out of all of their many afflictions.

-All the bones of the righteous are kept, not one of them is broken.

-None of them that trust in the Lord will be desolate.

To the contrary type of individual:

-Evil will slay the wicked.

-The face of the Lord is against them that do evil.

-Every one who hates the righteous will be desolate.

These points are made even more clearly in Ps 18, which David wrote after the Lord had delivered him from all of his enemies, finally: "He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me. (v18)"

In verses 20-26 David explains why the Lord made that decision in his favor:

-It was a reward for my righteousness, and the cleanness of my hands in His eyesight.

-I have kept the ways of the Lord and have not wickedly departed.

-All His judgments were before me and I did not put away His statutes from me.

-I was merciful and pure, in contrast to the froward.

If these passages are too long to comprehend the point, try Ps 1. Same message, same writer, fewer words.

Aren't all people sinners, and aren't all saved people saved by grace and not by works?

Yes and yes. David sinned in multiple ways, despite his statements of general righteousness in Ps 18. But when the righteous sin, it grieves them and they repent. See Ps 51. You never read anything like that from Saul, only excuses and shallow admissions of guilt only when necessary to avoid embarrassment. In his final hours, he consulted a witch when the Lord wouldn't answer him about going to battle. Why wouldn't the Lord answer him? Because the Lord was done with him. He had already been told as much before: "But now thy kingdom shall not continue: the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the LORD commanded thee (1 Sam 13:14)." And again later: "And Samuel said unto him, The LORD hath rent the kingdom of Israel from thee this day, and hath given it to a neighbour of thine, that is better than thou (1 Sam 15:28)."

Think about that. What would it be like either for the Lord to want to replace you, or for Him to consider you irreplaceable?

Final Note

I could not have made it even this far without Christina. Waiting on me hand and foot, with all my pickiness, usually communicated in a very cranky manner... She is exactly who I need right now. The Lord knew that.