Endure Hardness

"Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ." -2 Tim 2:3

A New Chapter Has Begun

And I'll confess up front that I am not a writer. I am an engineer. Some things here will be overly detailed and boring, but I will try to help you by providing headings to alert you of which sections you may want to skip. I never read blogs like this, so I understand if you don't like it.

I am WAY beyond the point of bodily privacy, so I may cross some boundaries that you consider inviolate. So sorry. Just please understand that some gory details are included in order to help some who will go through things like this in the future. I already appreciate things I have heard from those who went before me.

How Did We Get Here?

Christina briefly summarized this in her earlier post, but suffice it to say that I had no health issues that warranted a doctor's visit in my mind. I did have some digestive / bowel issues that I attributed to growing intolerance of something in my diet, which I never definitively found. It was probably no more severe than a typical gluten or lactose intolerance. 

I never go to the doctor. I only went because BMW contributes to our HSA if we do several things on a checklist, one of which is a routine physical. I could not find an easy way to do enough of the checklist items without it, so I really had no choice. 

From the routine physical blood tests, we found my Hemoglobin and Iron were low (see test results below). This indicated chronic bleeding from somewhere. This, combined with my complaint about digestive issues, prompted the doctor to immediately perform a rectal exam and test for presence of blood, which he found. Obviously this was the source of chronic bleeding although, notably, I usually could not visually detect this. It was a surprise to me that I had been bleeding enough over time to cause a depletion of hemoglobin, red blood cells, iron, etc.

The test results above led to further blood testing for celiac disease (negative), and the order of an abdominal ultrasound. Ultrasound does not do well with colons, so only the other abdominal organs were inspected. One large mass was found on the liver, along with several smaller ones.

This led to an abdominal CT scan, which showed a mass in the colon and on the left lung, in addition to the ones on the liver. At this point it was apparent that the colon was the primary mass (and source of bleeding), and the masses seen on the liver and the lung were likely metastatic. 

Following the week of Thanksgiving, we met with an oncologist and received a game plan for treatment. This past Friday I had a PET scan and liver biopsy. The PET scan confirmed the CT scan findings, showed a little more activity in the colon, but thankfully showed no activity anywhere else in the body. Why liver biopsy and not the colon? The belief at this point based on typical colon cancer progression is that the mass in the colon spread to the liver. To confirm this, the liver biopsy should show cells of a type consistent with the colon (results expected the middle of next week).

Ultrasound Report:

CT Scan Report:

PET Scan Report:

What's Happening with the Soul

I hate going to doctors. It's not that I don't like the doctors themselves, I do like most doctors. I just don't like my personal space being invaded, poked with needles, or any other bodily orifice being explored. But the Lord knows this, and He is helping me get over it VERY quickly. The fact is that I've been a baby most of my life, and I am now willing to do things that I probably would not have done a few years ago. I usually pass out when somebody utters the word "needle" in my presence, but God is helping me get used to it. He will never bring you into a situation that you do not have the grace and strength to handle perfectly.

Cancer is a big and scary word. Most people will not even say it, and even doctors avoid saying it. But the truth is, God is much bigger and scarier than cancer. Jesus told His disciples not to fear them which kill the body, and after that have nothing else that they can do, but to fear Him who, after he has killed, has power to cast both body and soul into hell (Luke 12:4-5). And so I thank God for saving me from the eternal punishment I deserved, which was a far bigger problem than any sickness.

I thank God for preparing me over many years of faithful preaching of His Word, and by many experiences already with severe medical trials in my children. I know exactly how I ought to respond right now: The Lord has given many years of great health, prosperity, family, church, and work relationships. Now He has sent an affliction only with my health. I thank and praise Him for all He has done for me, and my primary goal in the current trial is that He would be glorified in all He chooses to do with my life. 

Tender Mercies of God

I thank and praise God for a few things He has done along the way to show me that He is involved and cares about even the small details. The ultrasound tech was as sweet and warm as she could be, despite the hairy white middle-aged man she was assigned to (as opposed to the typical healthy mother/baby inspections). I am usually cold, and she brought me warm blankets to cover up with. As she worked, we had a great conversation about the sovereignty of God, His miraculous protection of my spleen and other abdominal organs in a car accident I had 16 years ago, and His ability to handle whatever this situation would bring. 

Of course, it was against good policies for her to tell me anything she was seeing at the time, but she knew it was likely cancer. I thank God for Ms. Pat and the wonderful women she works with, who also took care of me like a king for my CT scan. I am sure these are only the first of many "angels" I will meet in the medical profession along the way. They are a special breed, and I praise God for them.

The first alarm sounded by the oncologist in our initial visit was that if I get a bowel obstruction I will need an immediate colostomy, which may or may not be reversed in the future. Of course everyone would love to avoid this, so his immediate order was to put me on a liquid / soft food diet. It is amazing how much we enjoy every single meal we eat, and we often don't realize it until there is suddenly a limitation. I frankly did not enjoy my first pureed meal of peas and carrots (together, of course), and roast beef. I am sure I could have received a just punishment of a bowel obstruction right then and there for my less-than-positive reaction, but instead... at that very same time, the Lord was working in the minds of Marc and Angela Marunich. A supremely talented culinary pair if there ever was one, they took the initiative to put together several world-class pureed dishes and keep me supplied with as much as I wanted. Unbelievable. I am eating much better than I normally would. I thank and praise God for caring, and I pray His richest blessings on Marc and Angela.

The Friends that Most Cheer Me on Life's Rugged Road

...are the friends of my Master, the children of God (if you don't know the song). My oldest daughter Grace always wants to set up a hike, a race, or fitness challenge of some sort to separate the wheat from the chaff. It's no good to her if everybody can do it - there need to be casualties if possible, the quitters or non-starters who show themselves unworthy of basic respect.

Anyway, Grace set up an 18-mile hike for the Saturday after Thanksgiving several weeks back. Other than a phone call or two from Zack Pipkin to negotiate it down to about 9 miles, it was a solid plan including rides for everyone who was too young to drive. Nothing about my cancer diagnosis was known at the time she planned this. But I thank the providence of God, because it was one of the greatest times of my life.

Along with all the kids, we had a few fathers join us. Nathan Crosby, my brother Eric, Marc Marunich, Joshua Unger, Zack Pipkin, and even Adam Greene pried himself away from work for half of it. I thank God for these brothers. We spoke of a variety of subjects along the way, but what I valued the most at the time, as I do in every day of our friendship, is that they tell me the truth. I can tell them my thoughts and fears and temptations, and they will answer me with Truth from the Word of God. No amount of money can buy or replace the value of great friends.

Most of the topics we discussed were biblical in nature... Romans 5-8 is one continuous thought to me: Because we have peace with God, we can have joy in tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings patience, patience experience, and experience hope. This peace with God was accomplished by His choice to send His son as a representative to replace Adam. Chapter 6 goes on to explain that we ought to live obedient lives in light of our salvation. Chapter 7 goes on to explain that we can't do it perfectly, but grace abounds where sin had abounded before. Chapter 8 - there is no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus. Nothing can separate us from the love of God. And, critically, verse 28: "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." We must believe this. ALL things work together for good. Cancer works together for good to them that love God.

Another topic, and this is personal to me already: Job had a great attitude in chapter 1 and all the way through his last words of chapter 2, when he told his wife, "What? Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?" In all this, the Scripture says, Job sinned not with his lips. In the first verse of chapter 3, however, Job is cursing his birthday and everything has changed in his mind (though not in his circumstances). Question: Why? What happened between 2:10 and 3:1? Answer: Seven days and seven nights of thinking in silence. Very important - thinking is not helpful in situations like this, and I am normally a fan of thinking. Thanking, praying, praising, and singing, are all better uses of the brain.

Endure Hardness

One other thing the Lord did to prepare me... Two years ago I was somebody Joshua Unger would term "skinny fat". This means you aren't obese, but your physical fitness isn't worth a flip. Grace (remember what was said above) joined the Memorial Day Murph challenge with the Ungers and Pipkins in 2020, with no prompting from anyone. She needed a ride, so I went as a spectator. It was a miserable time, frankly. An hour of standing there watching kids, men, homeschool moms, even some older folks doing their pullups, pushups, and squats in rapid succession between their 2 miles of running before and after. I knew I couldn't do a single pullup to save my life, but there was no legitimate reason why I was in such terrible shape. I had no disabilities, no pain, I wasn't too old, just no reason. So I resolved shortly thereafter to do the Murph in 2021.

Of course, I had some help committing... Joshua said "Christians say what they do, and then they do what they say". This pushed me to a commitment, which I usually don't do. I got on a training plan, worked and worked, and finally was able to complete the Murph with a 20 lb vest in 2 hours (much slower than anyone else who did it with a vest, but the point is I got it done). 

Why is that important? Joshua, Zack, and I spent a lot of time preparing for the Murph from a logistical standpoint in spring 2021. I had volunteered to host it at my house for some unrelated reasons, so we had to build the pullup bar structures. At the last minute Zack had the idea to make t-shirts, so we had to talk about what to put on them. In the end we settled on 2 Tim 2:3 - "Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ."

We suffer so little hardness in our lives compared to those in other countries, or at any other time in history. So the argument for the Murph was that we ought to engage in hard things to train our bodies but more importantly our minds and hearts to endure difficulty and stick to what we OUGHT to do rather what we FEEL like doing.

I hope you see the connection now. I will handle cancer in a totally different way in mind, body, and spirit now than I would have two years ago. And I thank God for Joshua and Zack, who understand this about me in a different way than most anyone else.

Marriage

Christina has been an absolute champion. I thank God for her encouragement and faithfulness since the first news. I'm not exactly an appointment and scheduling kind of person, so thankfully she has grabbed the bull by the horns and taken care of so many things in that regard right off the bat. Even prescriptions, rapid changes in dietary needs (in addition to the dietary restrictions she already has to deal with in the family). I'm grateful, I will need her!

Work

I couldn't be any more blessed with my team or my boss right now... Everyone has been extremely supportive and willing to pitch in wherever they need to during my treatment. I thank God for all of the care and concern from everyone I've worked with at BMW.

Looking Ahead

This week: Iron infusion tomorrow morning (which should help with energy levels in the short term), port placement and gastroenterologist appointment Tue, oncologist follow-up Thu, then chemo starts the following Mon with labs and Tue for infusion. More about that later.

Big Picture

God could not make it any easier in terms of what I have been given: His Word, my family, my wife, my own experience, the church family, and all other parts of my life going well. I know it will be a long road, but you'll be happy to know this will probably be my longest post (if you made it this far). Until next time!