Show Up and Start, Every Time

 "Blessed be the LORD my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight." -Ps 144:1

High-Level Process Update

Round 2 of chemo is in the books, Round 3 starts this Monday. I didn't feel well around days 10-12 after infusing again this time, but different symptoms. No body aches like last time, just feeling nauseated, and Imodium hasn't worked that well if you know what I mean. The #1 problem on my mind to improve in the next round is to get faster and better at regulating bowel flow somehow. There are multiple constipating and loosening effects going on a different times, and in either case it's very difficult to eat - a big problem since my highest priority is maximum calorie intake. 

Otherwise, in terms of side effects, the sensitivity of my hands and fingers to cold objects and air was a little worse this time. So I'll wear gloves more often. That's it.

I had MANY days in a row during Round 2 where I felt great, even better than normal. I guess the day 10-12 down time is over now, because I've suddenly felt normal again this afternoon. There are quite a few common side effects I have not experienced at all, like skin problems, bad rashes, mouth and tongue sores, finger and toenails falling off, etc. I've had none of that. I realize that can change, but I don't care - I'll just give thanks right now for God's tender mercies in making it relatively easy. Not to mention my favorite tender mercy of all so far - eating normal food! No joke, whenever I do feel like eating I am 10 times more thankful than usual to eat something I actually want.

Small Battles Won

One recent Tuesday night I came home from work and crashed. I curled up in my bed and pretended to sleep, although I knew it was short-lived. Maybe half an hour later I pulled myself together enough to get my gym clothes on and make the 12-minute drive to the Unger gym. The outside light was on, which meant he was already there. I stumbled in and slumped onto the bench beside the door, cowering under my heavy coat and hood. 

My coach (who will go nameless this time to protect his comfort zone) gave me a pep talk about how important this was, all of which I knew was true. I fully expected to get 2 or 3 reps into my warmup set of squats and quit. But I had to prove bodily failure, in distinction from mental failure.

The warmup set was no big deal. Then the first real set of squats was no big deal. The second set felt even better. Before I knew it, we were at the last set - Deadlift. I probably complained about a few things along the way, and at least said out loud before deadlift that I thought I might pass out around rep 4. But I didn't, it was fine. 

A small battle was won. Even if it was only in my own head, and if nobody else would have even considered it a battle, it was real to me.

So this past Thursday when I was curled up on the couch feeling sick to my stomach, waiting for my coach to come to my house this time, I knew there was a chance this workout would be fine - I just needed to start. Sure enough, the knot in my stomach faded during the first warmup set and I didn't think about it again until long after I was finished. Another little battle won.

I think my coach was right when he told me early on that most of my barriers would be mental. If I don't break through them to lift enough weight to build mass, none of this will work - but it won't be for a physical reason. I'm a little bit of a baby, as you all surely noticed by now. So it's probably hard for any of you to understand why these are battles for me - I'm just being transparent about where I am. David credited the Lord with teaching his hands to war and his fingers to fight... this is one of my prayers.

Other Mental Battles

I started reading a book by a man who had colon cancer and no longer has it (I'll avoid mentioning the title because I don't want to ruin it for anyone who likes it and benefits from it). His short story is that he had his cancer surgically removed, then when rogue and refused chemo afterwards in favor of natural remedies. I quickly realized this was not the kind of input I needed... He is very thorough in his research and documentation of studies that indicate in his view what helps or doesn't help cancer, but this ironically makes it all the more pessimistic. 

If you don't already know this, there are two basic schools of thought on cancer treatment: The medical establishment which primarily administers chemotherapy and surgery, and the alternative crowd of individuals who have hundreds of potential all-natural cures, some of which are cheap and some of which will cost you as much as a second house. The latter crowd tends toward this basic underlying philosophy: Nature = Good, Cancer = Bad... Therefore, eat Nature and Cancer goes away. With this core belief, it is easy for them to say things like, "if you squeeze cranberry juice on cancer cells in a petri dish, they don't grow as fast," and then blame the pharmaceutical industry for not popularizing cranberries as a cancer treatment substance. This crowd typically ends up recommending a completely plant-based diet.

No doubt, highly processed and prepared foods consumed in gargantuan proportions as in our nation, especially with a sedentary lifestyle, contributes to all kinds of maladies, I suppose including cancer. But the underlying philosophy that nature fixes cancer is not credible - the Bible teaches one source of all sickness and disease: Sin. Nature was only completely good before the fall of man. Now it's a different story, as Rom 8 teaches: "For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now. And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body." -Rom 8:22-23

Knowing that nature probably doesn't fix cancer, the message of the book in regards to conventional treatment was harder to hear. Many studies and statistics, and also conjecture and author's personal opinion, are brought forth in this book to make the basic case that cancer treatment by the medical establishment is all a conspiracy. They know chemotherapy only affords a small increase in life expectancy compared to no treatment at all, but they fail to disclose this because cancer treatment is so lucrative. The industry is unmotivated to improve treatments despite the dismal statistics, the narrative goes, because the economic gravy train is good enough as is. Natural remedies are not studied or publicly recognized to be effective because they would not be patentable by pharmaceutical companies. To top it off, chemo destroys the patient's body and gives them a miserable end that would otherwise be blissful.

I don't accept this. There may be a grain of truth in it, but I don't believe either that natural remedies are so miraculously effective, or that the medical establishment would not offer us a better solution if they had one. 

I do understand that insurance companies will only pay for treatments that are 100% accepted by the medical community as necessary, which precludes anything new or innovative. If the same reasoning were applied in the science and engineering world, we would still be riding horses. Almost no experts at first believed a steam engine could work, or a gasoline engine, or a nuclear reactor, etc, etc. Such innovations we consider ubiquitous today only had a handful of proponents for the first 10-30 years of development.

I realize everyone has a different opinion on all these things - feel free to keep it, I am just being transparent on where I am.

I was in the midst of a mental battle over these things one day at work this past week. The one author who researched everything and supposedly knows how to beat cancer, he believes I'm going to be tortured by chemo until I die, at most a few months after I would have died with no treatment at all. I knew the message wasn't true. I knew it didn't matter to the Lord to save by many or by few (this is what Jonathan said to his armor bearer in 1 Sam 14:6 before they took on a garrison of the Philistines). I knew He didn't need any means at all, or He could use anything He wanted. I strolled around the parking lot to pray for a few minutes, then returned to my desk to munch reluctantly on leftover spaghetti and meatballs that Grace had made the night before. And Focaccia bread.

While I was chewing, a distant coworker approached my desk. I've known him for several years from other departments, usually from being on opposite sides of inter-departmental conflict. It was always cordial in his case, just business, but we didn't really know each other or talk unnecessarily. He began to drop a few bills on my desk and explained that he just wanted to encourage and bless me. I was so caught off guard that I can't quote exactly what else he said, but it was something like this: "God is with you. You are an inspiration to many of us. I am looking forward to hearing a wonderful testimony from you when this is all over."

I was stunned but managed to give him a hug before he left. I know the Lord sent him at exactly that time to encourage me and build my faith. It wasn't about the $50, and my new friend knew that. But it added weight to his words of encouragement. I knew in that moment that the Lord was with me, and that He was showing me this tender kindness along with so many other little things along the way, just so I wouldn't forget He was there. What a personal God!

Parting the Sea

I had been thinking about the parting of the Red Sea, and what that represented for the Israelites at that time: They were stuck with no way to escape the Egyptian army chasing them. No one had ever seen a sea parted with a dry road down the middle of it before, but that's exactly what happened. There was not a natural way out of that situation, so the Lord made a supernatural way. His people utilized it, despite the apparent risks.

And then my sister-in-law Nina gave Christina a CD of Ellie Holcomb - the title song is Red Sea Road. I can't say I've ever been a die-hard fan of hers, but I have come to really appreciate that song. The chorus:

We will sing to our souls
We won't bury our hope
Where He leads us to go
There's a red sea road.
When we can't see the way
He will part the waves
And we'll never walk alone
Down a red sea road.

The backdrop of the song is burying a loved one. I'm not dead, but neither school of cancer treatment thought has high expectations for me. So I take it this for myself - I am not burying my hope, and when I can't see the way I will keep running and trust His faithfulness to part the sea if needed.

Final Miscellaneous Thoughts

I never wanted to approach the length of the average Jeremy Summerlin Facebook post, but I am probably getting there... Just another paragraph or two: Some days I'm deeply impressed with a particular thought. For example, after my last post I was deeply impressed with a far more brief way of expressing it: The only thing in life that really matters is if your character and conduct pleases God. This sounds very simple, but the more real your impending death becomes to you, the more obvious this fact may become. The truth is, all of our deaths are impending.

Another day it hit me that it is pointless and stupid to miss any opportunity to be happy. Why think about potentially negative future things that you cannot control? Jesus taught this in Matthew 6. 

Also, I noticed that whenever I envision the future, in the absence of a deliberate plan or goal, my brain paints the most dire picture possible. So I found that it doesn't matter if I don't know the future, my brain still assumes the worst and inserts this picture whenever I think about what things will be like 6 months from now, for example. The only way I know to counteract this is to define an expectation in accordance with mine and all of your prayers, and also define goals accordingly. This makes perfect sense, otherwise we shouldn't be praying. Maybe this is trivial to everyone else.

Until next time... Thank the Lord with me for all His tender mercies, and thank you for your encouragement and prayers.