Make Your Faith Rewardable

"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Heb 12:1-2

[Photo: Amphitheater in downtown August, GA on the bank of the Savana River. I know it's a stage and not a track.]

High Level Process Update

Round 4 and Round 5 of chemo have passed since I last wrote. I should have felt at least a little bad for the past couple of days, but I haven't. Thank you for your prayers - the Lord hears and answers! With Round 4 my biggest complaint was stomach cramps for a few days. This time I have a different strategy with meds, so we will see how it goes.

Some of you have asked about my weight... It goes like this:

No weight data was recorded before Dec 5, and my first chemo infusion was Dec 11. The main source of variation seems to be how much food digestion is in progress at any given time, so to speak. But we do have an upward trend overall.

I asked Dr. Yang in this last appointment if he thought it was reasonable to take a break after the first 6 months with 12 treatments, and he said that wasn't in his mind at all. However, he commented that life expectancy does not differ very much between those who continue on a chemo regimen after the initial treatments and those who wait a couple of months and then resume. So I will keep the tentative plan in my mind to take a break during the summer. My hope is that I will progress faster in terms of strength training, weight, and fitness during that time, which should make me better prepared to handle whatever treatment comes next.

Of course, this is somewhat contingent upon what the 3-month and 6-month CT scans show. The 3-month scan is on Mar 4.

Why So Much About My Faith?

Some might wonder why I spend so much space writing about my faith as opposed to more details on my symptoms, prognosis, or research on possible treatment options. The reason is because I believe the mind is more important than the body, and the soul is more important than the mind. And this is because my religion is not a set of rituals to make me feel good or appease some deity, but a relationship initiated by the one true God, Who informs us of the one correct worldview through the written scriptures.

This worldview includes the fact that all details of my circumstances are directed by God. Therefore, my character and conduct in His sight are of utmost importance - far beyond any efforts on my part to cure my cancer. All endeavors are in vain without His favor. Furthermore, an extension of my life is only worthwhile to the extent He is pleased with it.

Double Mindedness

We've discussed before among ourselves and here in previous posts about the role of faith in results, which has become a very interesting subject to me for obvious reasons. I cannot fully explain the topic, but I do have a little more to say in response to the question my coach asked me at the beginning of this journey: "Do you think it will work?" Meaning, do I think the Lord will answer our prayers and bless chemotherapy and my efforts to eat / sleep / lift according to the strategy we've defined?

My initial answer was that I am unable to predict the mind of the Lord, which is still true. But on the other hand I've learned a little more detail since then... One thing is that my mind requires a default visualization of the future. I think everyone's mind is this way but can't say for sure. Whenever you think about any time in the future, doesn't your mind create a visualization of what everything will look like at that time on its own, without you purposefully creating it?

The problem with this is that my mind creates typically creates a worst case scenario visualization. For example, I realized when thinking about the Murph this year (end of May), my default vision of myself at that future time was this: Pale, skin and bones, and half dead. 

Do I have a real reason to expect this? Not really, because I don't know the future. But the real question is this: Why would I expect the opposite of what I pray for? Is this a godly, faithful attitude for me to have?

Jesus very often healed people explicitly on the condition of their faith. Sometimes he would ask if they believed He was ABLE to perform the miracle, but He was also very clear on this finer point of ability versus willingness in this passage, among others:

"And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God. 

For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. 

Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." -Mark 11:22-24

The context of this passage is actually funny: the disciples were impressed that an unfruitful fig tree, being cursed by Jesus when He was hungry, quickly withered away. 

This also brings up the passage in James 1 regarding double mindedness. The context is that we should ask for wisdom when we lack it, but the point following is more general:

"But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. 

For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. 

A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." -James 1:6-8

Finally Making a Point

Does not my default vision of future doom fly in the face of these passages which teach a single-minded expectation that God will answer prayer? And could not my pessimistic outlook then result in our prayers going unanswered?

Of course there is still a minor question: What if God actually doesn't answer, despite faith? Three examples make this a minor question with an easy answer:

1) David prayed for seven days and nights that his and Bathsheba's first son would live and not die according to God's stated punishment for his sin. He did not get this request. How did he respond? He rose up, washed, went to the house of God to worship, and sat down to eat. The secret will of God was made known by history unfolding, and he worshipped. The will of God is not known at the time you are praying.

2) Paul had a physical malady about which he besought the Lord three times (we may presume in faith!). He did not get this request. How did he respond? "Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. (1 Cor 10:9b-10)" He was not made aware of God's secret will to keep his infirmity until Jesus answered and told him so.

3) Jesus prayed in the garden to be delivered from the death of the cross. He did not get that request, although we may presume that He asked in faith. When the will of God became clear that He would indeed go to the cross, He obeyed - See the top passage in this post.

The application to myself in light of these examples is that I should pray, work toward, expect, and visualize a healthy progression into the unforeseeable future. If history unfolds differently, I will worship (as in Job 1:28)!

Please note that this is not even pure faith in my case - it is only an extrapolation of what God has already started to do. Recall that other than minor chemo symptoms, on most days I am feeling and functioning better than I did for a long time prior to my diagnosis!

Of course I am aware that cancer patients sometimes respond favorably to initial treatment before taking a turn for the worse. I am aware that extrapolation is not a valid means of natural reasoning. But this is not natural reasoning, this is reasoning based on the worldview revealed to us in the written scriptures.

One last additional point: EXCESSIVE attention to my eating, lifting, and sleeping is not helpful toward the end goal:

"Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.

It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep." -Ps 127:1-2

Finally Getting to the Bottom Line

All of you probably thought "Hebrews 11:6" as soon as you saw the title, but ironically I didn't. I was thinking the title in those words for a couple of weeks, questioning if "rewardable" was the right word, before I eventually thought about that verse:

"But without faith it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." -Heb 11:6

Expecting the opposite of what we pray for is not rewardable faith - it is double mindedness.

The other unintended consequence is that you will not put all of your heart and effort into your chosen strategy if you don't really believe it will be blessed.

Maybe all of this is obvious and very simple to all of you, but it wasn't to me. If you made it this far, I hope this helps you somehow in the future. Until next time!