Take the Front Row When You Can

"He giveth to the beast his food, and to the young ravens which cry. 

He delighteth not in the strength of the horse: he taketh not pleasure in the legs of a man. 

The LORD taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy." -Ps 147:11

[Photo: Andrew Peterson in Augusta. The front row was empty for some reason. He closed with "Is He Worthy?"]

High Level Process Update

Chemo rounds 6 and 7 have passed since I last wrote. I was the sickest so far in round 6, and I was sick or otherwise nonfunctional the longest in round 7. I worked from home as much as I could, and only went into the office one day this week. I lost 13 lb from my peak last week, and haven't lifted weights at all. I will not be able to maintain weight for five more rounds of this if, despite all medications, I can't eat or retain any nutrients.

On the much brighter side, I had my 3-month CT scan. The report sounded ominous - additional area of unknown growth found on my liver, and additional wall thickening (suspected tumor growth) in the entire descending colon. But Dr. Yang interpreted this as likely inflammation, given that my CEA score has continued to drop about 50% every time we have checked it, and that all major previously known masses have shrunk. Tremendous blessing and answer to prayer...

My questions for Dr. Yang Monday morning will be these:

-We expected cumulative and increasing chemo side effects, but what about tumor shrinkage? Is the benefit also cumulative and increasing, or do we have diminishing returns?

-Since we have seen enough tumor shrinkage to avoid colon obstruction, what is the risk of taking a break from chemo now until the side effects have fully subsided? Since we observed a large positive impact from the first round of chemo, could we expect a similar impact if we resumed in 1-2 months?

-Has he read any papers about treating cancer with Ivermectin in conjunction with chemo, and if so, what is his reasoning for not trying it in my case? He will probably say the probability of benefit is too small and no oncologist would prescribe it... to which I would reply that he has already given me a short life expectancy on his recommended treatment plan. So why would we not try something with low probability of success if it is cheap with minimal side effects?

I usually wait until I am in a better mood to write a blog post - I'm so sorry. I realize doctors and insurance companies must use statistics over large populations of patients, whereas the individual patient has only one chance. I totally understand the Lord does not need to use any particular means to heal. And I totally understand Dr. Yang knows more about cancer treatment than I will ever know. It just bothers me when the reasoning process is unwise for me as an individual patient.

About the Front Row

When I mentioned this blog post title to a brother a couple of weeks ago, he reminded me that Solomon and Jesus both taught us to never take the highest seat at a feast. So to clarify, this is not what I mean. I mean to make the most of each precious life experience you get to have, and never think you will always get another chance sometime. You never really get another chance - Each experience is unique.

By the way, about blog post titles... You may have noticed they are all stated as an imperative. You need to understand this is because I am preaching to myself, not so much to you. I will need to remind myself of these things at times in the future. In passing a few weeks ago, Victoria E. asked me if I could handle my own words being used on me. She did not elaborate at that time as to which words she intended to reuse, so I assume this is still coming when I need it...

Last night another one of my nieces got married. Sarah Rose, I'm so sorry but I think Charity raised the bar just a little bit higher for the title of "funnest wedding ever". There was no officiant, and no sermon. The two fathers gave fully scriptural blessings and charges, and Jonah and Charity said their own vows before the Lord, to each other, and to their parents. It was the best I've ever seen.

I had a small life lesson learned along the way too: If you want some fruit, just go get some right then. Because if you have any thinking children, chances are some of them are thinking the exact same thing as you are, because they came from you. Act swiftly and decisively. During one of the longer segments of the evening I had the urge to eat fruit. But by the time I made it to the food table, there were my two 14-year-olds wolfing down all but the last little serving (photo below along with a little Pipkin). To be fair, they offered me a blueberry or two.

After the blissful couple had left the party, the Cutlers from Iowa proceeded to lead the guests in English country line dancing (I think that's right - I wouldn't know it from square dancing, swing dancing, break dancing, or any other kind of dancing because I'm not a dancing type of person). Despite my stated and sincere intention to never participate in such a thing, my beloved wife forcibly dragged me onto the dance floor in a way I didn't have the strength to resist, given our nearly equivalent size and body weight. You would think she would've had a little pity after the week I'd had. The funny thing was, it turned out to be a lot of fun. Nobody unrelated to Cutlers knew what they were doing either, so it was fine.

Why did I always used to be that guy with his arms folded, sitting off to the side? How many good times did I miss?

That was a classic "take the front row" experience, or rather "get dumped on the front row". I thank God that I got to be there with the people I love. I will cherish that memory forever.

One more thing - Let me just say again that Christina has been a real champ. She has stuck by my side and encouraged me every step of the way so far, and I know I can fully trust her to support me in whatever I need or want. No other earthly blessing comes close to a strong, godly, faithful wife. I thank God for her constantly. So if you think about me at all in prayer, please think of her as well. Until next time!