Take No Thought for the Morrow

"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." -Matt 6:34

[View of Paris Mountain from hospital room]

High Level Process Update

Several decisions have been made for me by kind Providence since I last wrote, and there has been much mercy involved that I will share with you. When I last wrote, I had just been assured by X-Ray analysis that I was suffering from a bit of constipation and not a colon obstruction. This diagnosis turned out to be a little off base... Long story short, I ended up in the ER the next evening (Fri, May 6) with an obvious colon obstruction, and required near-emergency surgery the following Monday. In this open-abdominal surgery the primary tumor in the colon was removed and I was given a colostomy. I was in the hospital until this past Tuesday, May 24, but am now recovering at home.

Well that didn't go as planned...

True, this is not a step I was expecting to take. But it is obvious the Lord had it planned all along, as you will see. Earlier that Friday afternoon when I went to the ER, we had just met with the surgeon Dr. Yi. Why? This appointment really only happened because Christina kept asking Dr. Yang multiple questions about the possible benefits of surgery in the prior Monday's appointment. At some point he seemed to suddenly consider this option anew, then promptly exited the room to call Dr. Yi and ask him to see us at his earliest convenience. Thus, Dr. Yi was fully informed and up to date on my condition just hours prior to my arrival at the ER.

What other clear fingerprints of Providence were there? For one thing, it is very dangerous to have surgery while you are on chemo. So it turns out that discontinuing chemo when I did in April was vital to surviving surgery so well.

What else? Dr. Yi was somehow by the Lord's hand able to get me into surgery on Monday afternoon, when earlier that morning it had been an impossibility. I was mostly out of my misery over the weekend due to unbelievably good pain medication, but I was septic and in grave danger by the time Monday rolled around. This "magical" opening in the schedule possibly saved my life.

Count Your Many Blessings

There is more. One of the big risks of a blockage condition was that the colon could rupture, which would greatly complicate matters. Somehow I made it all weekend from Friday afternoon to Monday afternoon without this happening, even though I was blown up like a balloon and looked like I was about to give birth (still do, by the way...).

Despite my very poor condition when entering surgery, there were no complications. Infection was a primary concern of the surgeon, but I had none. The colostomy began functioning as intended immediately, which allowed my bowels to clear properly. 

IV pain medication is an incredible blessing. I have very little memory of the entire weekend before my surgery. I felt almost nothing.

The nurses throughout my recovery stay were a real blessing as well. Even the nurse manager was involved in making sure I was very well taken care of. I can't be thankful enough for how much they helped me.

Adjusting to a Colostomy

What little shame I had left is now gone, so be warned! We have to get as much humor as possible out of this. As you may recall, a colostomy was one of the things I most wanted to avoid. But here we are. And to tell you the truth, I now understand what an incredible blessing it is. Until you have experienced a bowel obstruction, you can't fully appreciate how important it is for the digestive system to be flowing properly. The colostomy is a marvelous accommodation for those of us who need it. Many such things I have enjoyed in terms of medical care were not available just a short time ago in the history of the world. So please understand that a colostomy is a tremendous blessing to me (I thank the brother who was quick to point this out to me while I was in the hospital).

No way around it - one thing that comes with the territory is loud and impressive farting noises. These are entirely unpredictable. Believe me, I am just as stunned as the audience whenever this happens. But understand this about the mechanics: My gas is not recklessly vented to the atmosphere like yours is! Mine is contained in a little bag. None of you can say that!

Things I've Learned

My hospital recovery time was a new experience for me. Every hour it seemed like there was a new concern, a new fear, a new source of pain or discomfort, a new set of afflicting thoughts about the future. I found that I need the Lord constantly, every minute of every day, to be with me in my soul and body, to protect and help me at every turn. This sounds trivial and I knew it before, but I really know it now by experience.

All semblance of pride should be absent from my heart for the rest of my life. I am nothing, I have nothing, and I can do nothing without the Lord actively guiding and sustaining me. The fact that He would ever take notice of this poor sinner is unbelievable.

My wife is my greatest treasure on earth by far. Christina has been with me day and night, taking care of me lovingly and willingly in every disgusting way you can think of, putting up with my fears and weaknesses, embracing me every step of the way. She should receive an incredible reward for everything she has done for me. I love her more now than I ever have, by far.

"I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because he hath inclined his ear unto me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live." -Ps 116:1-2

"I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." -Ps 34:4

"This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles." -Ps 34:6

The Giving Economy

This is totally off topic, just something I have noticed by my experiences so far. The Lord gives back to those who give. It's that simple. I have seen and experienced it so predictably that it is almost like its own secret compartment of the economy, which doesn't obey any of the rules of the normal economy. Some one will give to some worthy cause, and shortly thereafter it will come back to them in another way. There is money earned and paid, governed by supply, demand, costs, supply chains, etc. And then there is another flow that occurs when people give out of love, and receive repayment by unforeseen means sometime thereafter.

The Word of God teaches this - I'll pick just three easy places...

"There is that scattereth, and yet increaseth; and there is that withholdeth more than is meet, but it tendeth to poverty. The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself." -Prov 11:24-25

"Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again." -Luke 6:38

"But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully. Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver." -2 Cor 9:6-7

I hate being on the receiving end, so pick somebody else if you think I am saying this for me. I just love to see the Lord work - it is incredible. And sometimes the repayment to the giver is non-monetary.

Financial Stuff

Some of you have asked about this, so I should say that so far I have been able to keep up with work enough that my income has not been affected. I am extremely thankful for this! On top of this, my boss set up a GoFundMe as soon as I was diagnosed and circulated it among all the departments I have worked with at BMW (https://gofund.me/d961166d). So most of these donors are from work (some of whom I don't even know!), although a few are family or otherwise.

One frequent GoFundMe contributor I'll mention out of appreciation: A couple moved to Greenville from Oregon I think, for the husband to work in my team at Michelin maybe 13 years ago. Both hold PhDs in material science, and the wife is a professor at Clemson. Somehow, she credits me with showing her husband that you can have a lot of children and also have a great career, which influenced him to want to have children. She has given several times to my GoFundMe - I appreciate it very much, and wish her all the best in the happiness of her family.

I love praying for the Lord's extraordinary blessings on these who have given to such an unnecessary and unworthy cause!

Just so no one misunderstands: We have no financial needs right now, especially with such generous givers already (some of the largest did not go through GoFundMe anyway). The Lord has taken great care of us!

Take No Thought for the Morrow

I have mentioned this several times before, but one of my worst problems is having destructive thoughts about the future. My mom survived breast cancer several years ago, and she was just talking to me about how foolish this is. We can easily ruin the good times we have by thinking about worse times that could possibly come in the future. Jesus said "take no thought" (verse at the top... the entire passage Matt 6:25-34 is worth reading if you struggle with this).

Looking Forward

Despite the previous paragraph, we still have to make decisions about what to do next. The surgeon Dr. Yi wants to remove all the tumors in the liver by surgery in just a few weeks. The oncologist we saw at Duke did not recommend liver surgery, as it does not help eventual outcomes according to their data.

A few minutes after I got home and settled from the hospital, I received a text message saying that my video call with the Mayo Clinic started in 15 minutes. Of course over the past 3 weeks I had totally forgotten that I set up this appointment, not really thinking that we would need any more opinions so far into the future like May 24. But I decided to hastily sign in and keep the appointment anyway.

The May Clinic oncologist we talked with seemed to be highly experienced, probably due to exposure to a larger number of patients and data than we have locally. He strongly warned against the risks of liver surgery any time in the foreseeable future. It could easily be fatal, and liver function in his opinion is likely to decline around the same point in the future with or without surgery. He recommended starting another chemo regimen almost immediately.

We have a little time to think about this, because I think I need more time to fully recover from surgery and gain some weight back before starting chemo again. But we wait on the Lord - He has led us every step of the way so far!